Not too bad

I have spent very little time in my room and after the first few days, it's not so hard anymore. I enjoy being downstairs. I find that my family spends more time downstairs too, especially my husband. I don't have to ask him, he just brings his stuff down and we sit together. Noone has asked me yet why I have been spending so much time out of my bed, but I definitely think they notice. My youngest will call up to her sister to come down too so we all can watch something or play a game. I am loving this. I can slowly feel some of my depression melting away.

Another positive, is the pain is gone for now. I have been feeling like my self or almost a week now. Minimal to no nausea, I'm eating more. I know in a month the cycle will start all over again, I'm just hoping for less pain this time.

Blessings

After the tremendous pain on Monday, that continued through the night, Tuesday was a new day. By lunch the pain was almost all gone. I was able to spend time with my family and have dinner together. After dinner there was some feelings of pressure but nothing like the weekend. Since then, the pain has been gone. I've spent little time in my bed. We've played games together, watched tv together and just spent time being together as a family. I am so glad that I made this simple resolution.

The pain

I've managed 2 days out of my bed. What a great way to start the new year!! Except the pain has been the worse it's been in over a year when all this started. I finally broke down in my husbands lap this morning and cryed. Despite all the pain I have daily, I rarely cry about, because crying nots going to help. Until that moment, I don't think he realized just how much pain I've been in. I am a whiner by nature, but when something is truly bad, I tend to not say anything. He knows I've been having pain just not to this extent. I managed to still have a good day!

Really, I've had a good weekend. I got 12 loads of laundry washed, folded and all put away. The Christmas decorations are all down (hopefully my husband will put them away tomorrow ), and I worked on our bills. After dinner I had time to knit while I watched the kids dance on the kinect games and then the 4 of us played a family game. So despite all the pain I've had today, I feel very blessed! I think staying out of bed, maybe won't be so hard after all.

NY2012

Wow, it'a been a long time since i have written any thing. There has been lots of changes. Some for the better, some for the worse. My children are growing up. That's a good change! My oldest will be getting her drivers license in a month. Feeling kinda scared about that, but also very proud. My husband has a new job, and although he makes significantly less money, he is very happy!! I have a new job with Hospice that I love, but I also make less money. We are managing. I'm hoping to get our finances in better order this year. Not an easy task, this last year has taken a toll on them.

The biggest problem I am facing this year, is my depression. Despite everyone, including myself, being happier this year, I just can't seem to shake this funk that follows me. I've made a resolution this year, that appears simple on the outside, but is incredibly ard for me. I will try to not spend my free time in bed. I enjoy reading, knitting or just playing on my iPad. I can and should be doing those things other places then in my bed. I need to spend more quality time with my family. I want to spend more time with my family. The thing holding me bak, is how lousy I feel most days. There is something going on, I've been to the doctors . No real answers. All I know is that I have pain and discomfort daily. Frequently I am nauseous. I rarely have an appetite.I have been loosing weight. But there are a few reasons for that. I no longer eat catered meals everyday for lunch with my new job. In fact, I hardly have time for lunch. But as the years gone on, I am rarely hungry. If I do eat, lunch is usually my big meal, that I can eat and still feel ok. If I eat late I feel sick. I guess part of my depression is that I'm scared. Scared it could be something very serious.

So to start of the New Year, I'm going to start by staying active and positive. I'll continue to peruse my medical issues, but not from bed anymore! Hopefully my family will like having me around more!!

Stress

It's been a while since I last posted. I have not been working out, but I have tried to change my diet. Much more drastically this time. I make lunch each day to take to work out of fat free products. I buy fresh fruit and yogurts to take with me. Yet I still have not lost a pound. It is rather discouraging, but I will try to stick to it, because I do realize that it is healthier in the long run.

Besides dieting, I have had a lot on my mind lately. I feel like I am surrounded by death, at work and at home. I have been working with oncology patients for 14 years now, so I am used to that aspect of my life. But personally there has been a lot of death around me. A new co-worker's husband committed suicide recently and that same weekend a friend that I used to work with, her husband and her ran their first half marathon and literally after crossing the finish line, he collapsed and died of a heart attack. I am heart broken for them. But my boss who has had breast cancer, has lost her battle and died last weekend. She was the best person to ever work for. She was kind, caring, compassionate, but most of all, fair. Her memorial service will be this week.

I also feel like my relationship with my husband is dying. Things have always been up and down with him, but they seem to be getting worse. Or aren't they? Am I just looking for problems? I don't know. I love him, but not his behaviors. A lot of our arguments can become very heated. I loose my temper easily too I know, but I never try to hurt him. I may throw things and slam things, but never to physically hurt anyone. His temper is worse. He throws things and breaks things but never really hurt me, despite wanting too, I'm sure. But all that changed the other night over a small argument. I throw a water bottle on the floor and walked away. He in turn throw a container at me, which wasn't big, but I was walking away. So I couldn't defend my self and deflect it. It hit me in my back and really hurt me. I have not spoken to my husband since that night. Not a word. He did apologize a few minutes later when he calmed down, and also sent me a text the next day apologizing and stating he understood if I couldn't ever forgive him and that he would give me time/space. I didn't respond back. I can't bring my self to forgive him. I truly believe he is sorry, but I can't trust him. The part that hurts the most is that he tried to hurt me when my back was turned. When I had no defense's. What gets me is that we have had way bigger arguments then this, really. How do I know whether I should forgive him or if I should just move on? I won't allow some one to physically hurt me, ever. But his behavior is unacceptable and how can I know if it will happen again, will it be worse, what if it is a real argument?

Is it possible to take a vacation from your life?

Every Day

I have used my Elliptical, that is. I still love it. I get on it every night. I can feel the burn in my legs.I can feel my heart pound away. I can feel the sweat running. All of those are things that should lead to me loosing weight and getting in shape (I hope). So far, no change on the scale has been seen. I am not giving up hope though. I will continue to workout each day.

Wow

That's about all I can say about my new elliptical. I love it. The pre-programmed workout's are very challenging for me and really are a workout. I chose the weight loss program at the beginner level. I really had to push myself to not quit and was glad when I finished that I didn't give up. The one thing I would do differently would be to remember to use the fan. It has a built in fan but I forgot about it until the end. I also have an iFit card to use also, I hope to use this daily. That being said. I was supposed to run this morning but now the elliptical is in the way, so I couldn't get the treadmill open by myself. I hope to get things rearranged tonight. I would still like to get my run in today.