Stress

It's been a while since I last posted. I have not been working out, but I have tried to change my diet. Much more drastically this time. I make lunch each day to take to work out of fat free products. I buy fresh fruit and yogurts to take with me. Yet I still have not lost a pound. It is rather discouraging, but I will try to stick to it, because I do realize that it is healthier in the long run.

Besides dieting, I have had a lot on my mind lately. I feel like I am surrounded by death, at work and at home. I have been working with oncology patients for 14 years now, so I am used to that aspect of my life. But personally there has been a lot of death around me. A new co-worker's husband committed suicide recently and that same weekend a friend that I used to work with, her husband and her ran their first half marathon and literally after crossing the finish line, he collapsed and died of a heart attack. I am heart broken for them. But my boss who has had breast cancer, has lost her battle and died last weekend. She was the best person to ever work for. She was kind, caring, compassionate, but most of all, fair. Her memorial service will be this week.

I also feel like my relationship with my husband is dying. Things have always been up and down with him, but they seem to be getting worse. Or aren't they? Am I just looking for problems? I don't know. I love him, but not his behaviors. A lot of our arguments can become very heated. I loose my temper easily too I know, but I never try to hurt him. I may throw things and slam things, but never to physically hurt anyone. His temper is worse. He throws things and breaks things but never really hurt me, despite wanting too, I'm sure. But all that changed the other night over a small argument. I throw a water bottle on the floor and walked away. He in turn throw a container at me, which wasn't big, but I was walking away. So I couldn't defend my self and deflect it. It hit me in my back and really hurt me. I have not spoken to my husband since that night. Not a word. He did apologize a few minutes later when he calmed down, and also sent me a text the next day apologizing and stating he understood if I couldn't ever forgive him and that he would give me time/space. I didn't respond back. I can't bring my self to forgive him. I truly believe he is sorry, but I can't trust him. The part that hurts the most is that he tried to hurt me when my back was turned. When I had no defense's. What gets me is that we have had way bigger arguments then this, really. How do I know whether I should forgive him or if I should just move on? I won't allow some one to physically hurt me, ever. But his behavior is unacceptable and how can I know if it will happen again, will it be worse, what if it is a real argument?

Is it possible to take a vacation from your life?

Every Day

I have used my Elliptical, that is. I still love it. I get on it every night. I can feel the burn in my legs.I can feel my heart pound away. I can feel the sweat running. All of those are things that should lead to me loosing weight and getting in shape (I hope). So far, no change on the scale has been seen. I am not giving up hope though. I will continue to workout each day.

Wow

That's about all I can say about my new elliptical. I love it. The pre-programmed workout's are very challenging for me and really are a workout. I chose the weight loss program at the beginner level. I really had to push myself to not quit and was glad when I finished that I didn't give up. The one thing I would do differently would be to remember to use the fan. It has a built in fan but I forgot about it until the end. I also have an iFit card to use also, I hope to use this daily. That being said. I was supposed to run this morning but now the elliptical is in the way, so I couldn't get the treadmill open by myself. I hope to get things rearranged tonight. I would still like to get my run in today.

Finished

I was able to start and finish my run last night on the treadmill. I had little to no difficulty. I also ran without my shoes. They seem to be my problem. I hope to one day be able to run outside, but for now, I will continue to challenge myself on the treadmill. The elliptical should be here tomorrow. I can't wait!!!

Failed

I am not a runner. I drove to the school and there was practice down on the track field, so I came home and decided to run through the neighborhood. It's a little hilly but I thought, how bad could it be. Well besides being hilly, it is really cold. I figured since I would be running, that it would be OK. Wrong on all accounts, it was really cold. By the time I finished the warm up walk, my legs were so cold they were numb. But I pushed on, I began to run. As soon as I started to run, it just so happen to be a hill to run up. I could barely do it. My shins hurt, my chest hurt from the cold air and my lungs were burning. I had to stop, I tried to just walk but my lungs were burning so bad and my ears were hurting from the cold air. I just wanted to cry, so i called my husband to come get me. I am still trying to warm up as I type this. My chest feels better, but my ears still hurt. It may be a while before I try to run outside again. I will do my treadmill later today though.

Marching on

I have now completed 2 weeks of running. Plan on starting week 3 today. Contemplating whether to run outside or not. If I do, should i go to the track at the school or run through the neighborhood. There are hills in the neighborhood, and there will probably be others up at the school. Decision, decisions. I am super excited about this week. Last week was my birthday and my husband bought me some new running shoes, something I have never had. Although I find it difficult to run with them on. I feel on the treadmill that I need to go aster then usual, but I also feel as though I am going to trip and fall over my feet if I don't look down at them. So I am hoping that running outside works out OK and I don't fall. The other reason I am so excited is that he also got me an Elliptical. It comes on Monday and I can't wait to use it. Pretty soon I will have a whole gym in my bedroom. Maybe we should move the old bow-flex in the basement up here too, since no one uses it down there. Hmmm, something to think about!!

Off the couch again

I have resumed running again. I am doing c25k again. I made it through week 6 last time, so this time I am starting at week 1, but on an incline this time. I completed week 1 earlier this week and am starting week 2 today. I finally went out and purchased a good running bra. I love it, I think. It was kinda expensive as far a bra goes, but it does what it is supposed to do. However it is a little snug, but I guess that is how it does what it does so well. I still need to invest in some running shoes though. I am also considering getting a game for the wii, the Active Personal Trainer. It looks encouraging. Today I played Wii outdoor challenge with my daughter and I must say, it was tiring. There were times I could feel my thighs burning. I have been trying to eat better, but keep getting sidetracked in that department. A lot of these diet/healthy foods, give me a lot of gas. Not a good thing to have at work. Eventually I will find the right combo of foods that I can stick with. But for now, off to run to start week 2!!!

More Snow

I haven't checked in here in a while. How ironic that I wrote about snow on my last post, because we have been inundated with snow over the last week. We recently went on a cruise the end of Jan. It was wonderful. But since we have been back, approx 10 days, it has snowed 4 times. These last 2 times have been blizzards. The first one, last weekend gave us about 30 inches of snow. The 2nd blizzard today has added another almost 20 inches of snow. The total of snow for this year alone is up to almost 83 inches ( I think last years total was maybe 20 inches if that). And in case you were not aware, I HATE SNOW!!!!!!!!!! There has been talk of another possible snow storm on Mon. I don't know what we are going to do. Grocery stores are out of food, unable to get deliveries, gas stations are out of gas (not that I could go anywhere to need gas), the snow plows are getting stuck on side streets, since some are yet to have been plowed since the first storm on Fri. It is just crazy. The news stations have been on the air since Fri night. I really would like to see some regular TV, thank you very much. Well, since I am pretty grumpy about this whole thing, I better go.