Friday, May 7, 2010


It's been a while since I last posted. I have not been working out, but I have tried to change my diet. Much more drastically this time. I make lunch each day to take to work out of fat free products. I buy fresh fruit and yogurts to take with me. Yet I still have not lost a pound. It is rather discouraging, but I will try to stick to it, because I do realize that it is healthier in the long run.

Besides dieting, I have had a lot on my mind lately. I feel like I am surrounded by death, at work and at home. I have been working with oncology patients for 14 years now, so I am used to that aspect of my life. But personally there has been a lot of death around me. A new co-worker's husband committed suicide recently and that same weekend a friend that I used to work with, her husband and her ran their first half marathon and literally after crossing the finish line, he collapsed and died of a heart attack. I am heart broken for them. But my boss who has had breast cancer, has lost her battle and died last weekend. She was the best person to ever work for. She was kind, caring, compassionate, but most of all, fair. Her memorial service will be this week.

I also feel like my relationship with my husband is dying. Things have always been up and down with him, but they seem to be getting worse. Or aren't they? Am I just looking for problems? I don't know. I love him, but not his behaviors. A lot of our arguments can become very heated. I loose my temper easily too I know, but I never try to hurt him. I may throw things and slam things, but never to physically hurt anyone. His temper is worse. He throws things and breaks things but never really hurt me, despite wanting too, I'm sure. But all that changed the other night over a small argument. I throw a water bottle on the floor and walked away. He in turn throw a container at me, which wasn't big, but I was walking away. So I couldn't defend my self and deflect it. It hit me in my back and really hurt me. I have not spoken to my husband since that night. Not a word. He did apologize a few minutes later when he calmed down, and also sent me a text the next day apologizing and stating he understood if I couldn't ever forgive him and that he would give me time/space. I didn't respond back. I can't bring my self to forgive him. I truly believe he is sorry, but I can't trust him. The part that hurts the most is that he tried to hurt me when my back was turned. When I had no defense's. What gets me is that we have had way bigger arguments then this, really. How do I know whether I should forgive him or if I should just move on? I won't allow some one to physically hurt me, ever. But his behavior is unacceptable and how can I know if it will happen again, will it be worse, what if it is a real argument?

Is it possible to take a vacation from your life?

1 comment:

FatManRunning said...

I'm sorry to hear of your difficulties. From reading your post, it's clear that you know what to do (forgive). It's easier said than done, though (I know).

There's a video out there somewhere called "Love and Respect". It looks at the old "his needs" versus "her needs" thing from a different angle. A primary need among men is respect. Men view spousal actions through a lens of respect. You might not think of your actions as disrespectful, but that's likely how he perceived them. When men aren't respected, they respond without love. When women are not loved, they respond with disrespect. Make sense? Basically, little things each of you reinforce the negative behaviors of the other. You need to learn how to unconditionally respect your husband just the way he needs to learn to unconditionally love you.

I can understand how he would see you throwing down a water bottle and walking away as disrespectful, and his action in response was in now way loving. You need to get past the symptoms (what you're doing to each other) and remember what drew you together in the first place. Then, each of you needs to try to cultivate those things in the other. Of course, we can only change ourselves. In most cases, however, when enough time passes to show that one spouse's change of approach is the "real deal" (versus something undertaken just to manipulate), then you'd be surprised at how quickly things can change.

Again, I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. I hope this comment doesn't feel like rubbing salt in a wound.